You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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