just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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