Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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