i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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