This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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