apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
