oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
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Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
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Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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