I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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