Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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