All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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