I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
