you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
