Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
