My room smells like vodka and shame
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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