VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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