I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
