I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
