did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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