I'm gonna have a badass scar
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i think my cat just said my name.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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