My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
