I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
