Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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