I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the condom got lost in my hair
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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