I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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