I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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