I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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