now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
