I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You can't motorboat a personality
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
