I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
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They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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