new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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