You work out of a Hotel?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
