and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
