I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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