i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize