The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
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Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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