i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
