i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
