I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
