Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
