i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
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It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
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i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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