some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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