I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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