you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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