I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
