I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
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Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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