we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
