My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
