My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃ðŸ»ðŸŽ‰
We are so blessed
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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