God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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