Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
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Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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