I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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