I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
