whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
