So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
FUCK WHALES
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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