Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
