Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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