I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
