Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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