we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
